Bouncers

Well, now that it’s actually past my bedtime, but there’s now way I’m going to fall asleep this early when I’ve been up til the wee hours of the morning for the past two nights, I thought I’d do a quick little post here about bouncers.  More specifically, bouncers and their ginormous egos.

I went out to two different clubs/bars this weekend and had similar experiences with the bouncers at each of them.  They’re assholes.  And yes, I’m stereotyping, but just hear me out, ok?  I just felt the need to point out a few key things.  The list:

1)  You’re a bouncer.  Making shitty money, with a shitty job.  You spend all your free time at the gym so you can be big and muscular to push people around.  Personally, I don’t think that you’re going very far in life.  Don’t take it out on me, that’s not my fault.  And never, ever touch or push me.  I do feel the need to break your nose when you do.
2)  Don’t yell at me.  I’m sober.  99% of the time.  Don’t treat me like I’m stupid, it’s quite possible I’m way more intelligent than you are.  Don’t call me names, or insult me, or try and make me feel inferior.  I’m not.
3)  Don’t yell at my friends.  I don’t hang out with people who get into fights, or cause riots.  Also don’t touch my friends.  If there’s a problem, they didn’t start it. 
4)  When some creeper comes up behind me, and touches me inappropriately when I’m standing right in front of you, do something about it.  Isn’t that your friggin’ job?!  Come on people, work with me.
5)  When some incredibly drunk person is starting shit, and you need to get them out of the bar, do not push them into me.  Amazingly enough, I don’t like being punched or kicked by some drunken fool, especially if you’re going to knock them into me on their way out the door.
6)  When I’ve been standing in line forever, trying to get into the bar, or at coat check, or something else, and I’m nice and patient and forgiving, would you please just be nice to me?  Maybe even smile at me, and tell me to have a nice night?  Don’t give me that “I’m so tough” face bullshit.  Again, it’s not my fault you chose to be a bouncer.
7)  It’s not necessary to swear at me.  Dropping the eff-bomb is not going to make me want to do what you just told me to do.
8)  Wearing all black is not menacing.  I also don’t know why you feel the need to wear combat boots in a classy bar.  And gloves.  Leather gloves actually.  And even better the leather gloves with the cut-off fingers.  It’s not cold inside, you look like a fool.
9)  Probably the most important thing on the list, GET OVER YOURSELF YOU PRICK.  Wow, I feel so much better saying that.  You aren’t saving the world, you’re checking IDs at a bar.  I’m surprised you can make it through doorways with an ego that big. 

I could probably continue, but I think I’ve hit the main points.  I do have to say, there have been a few times I am thankful for a bouncer, but it is usually short lived.  Mostly I want to call the cops on them for being so abusing. 

I’m off to bed now that I am rage-free.  Goodnight!